As I have mentioned in my previous blog post, domestic violence is a cause that is near and dear to my heart. My mother was a survivor and she worked tirelessly until her death at a shelter downtown for battered women and children. After her death I decided I was going to fill her shoes in a shelter downtown and take over where she left off, therein lies my problem.

My mother worked herself to the bone for these people. She served on the board, she cooked, she did whatever was needed. I have scheduled several meetings with this shelter to discuss how I may help to fulfill the empty hole my mother’s death has left behind. I have even gotten in the car and started downtown, only to end up on the side of the rode in a panic unable to breathe.

I want to be a part of all this shelter does for this community. However, I am having a problem with the thought of seeing my mother down every hall, around every corner, etc… Hearing stories about how my mother, did this, she did that, etc… Hearing stories about what a wonderful person my mother was to all of these people, when all I can remember was the last argument we had and all the terrible things she said to me.

Am I really ready to face all of that? It has only been four months. Four months since I had to face losing my mother at the worst time possible. We never really had time to completely make amends. I want to move forward with my volunteer work to further a cause that I am so passionate about, but how do I do that while facing the demon that was the relationship with my mother?

I am going to give this a little more time and when I am ready I am going to go to that shelter and as a way of honoring my mother’s memory I am going to give it all I can and maybe one day stand in her shoes on the board of this shelter, if they will let me. Always honor those that have past on before you as a means of respect because no matter how difficult your relationship, you once loved them and you were once loved by them in return.

thegeekwife